The World Craves Your Presence Not Your Perfection
Have you ever had someone be fully present with you? Did they focus on what you were saying? Did they not only hear you but made you feel understood and cared for? Did they allow you to express your feelings and provide the empathy and support you crave?
Or, are people more inclined to show their best self (trying to be perfect) in conversations with you? Maybe you see judgment in their eyes, or they share their own experiences and make the conversation about them, or they try to put a silver lining on your issue which minimizes how you are feeling, or maybe they give you what they consider sage advice?
How would you prefer to show up for those in your life who come to you? As present or as perfect? At Shoshin369, we believe that this is the difference between human-BEing and human-DOing. If we can “BE” with a person, then we are present. When we “DO” with a person, we are either performing or trying to show our “perfect” self.
If you chose to be present over perfection, here are some options you can consider for your next human-BEingness interaction:
1. Ask how the other person would like for you to BE with them (some options to consider):
Do they need you to just listen without judgment?
Do they want you to problem-solve with them or give them advice?
Do they need you to cheer them up or commiserate with them?
Do they want validation?
2. Take good care of yourself:
Do you have your needs taken care of?
If you are triggered by a topic, have you sought professional help?
If you find you are judging, have you reflected on what brings up that judgment?
If you’re not able to BE with the other person in the way you want, what internal work do you still have to do?
3. Avoid always find a silver-lining - this habit can turn into “toxic positivity” which may make others feel minimized or psychologically invalidated. Avoid phrases like:
“At least it’s not . . . “or “It could be worse.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“Just don’t think about it and move on.” or “Don’t worry.”
“Stop crying,” or “You’re being too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting.”
4. Validate feelings with phrases like:
“I’m here with you,” or “How can I support you?” or “What do you need right now?”
“Do you want to tell me more?” or “I appreciate you trusting me with this.”
“What do you think of all of this?” or “What does this mean for you?”
“How you’re feeling is natural.” or “How you’re feeling is understandable.”
Using empathy to see another person’s reality and validating their feelings does not mean that you must agree with them or give up your own beliefs or reality. Being present with someone means that we can acknowledge their perceptions while putting your own judgments or perceptions on hold.
Imagine if you have been trying to get a promotion and a friend comes to you with a dilemma of having to choose between two amazing job offers. You both will probably show up to this conversation with very different feelings, and these feelings are the reality for both of you, although they could be opposing feelings.
You might imagine feeling a little jealous, sad, or even powerless, but you might also be able to understand how and why the other person might feel proud, excited, and maybe a little anxious about making the “right” decision. If we are able to live in our human-BEingness, we can honor our feelings and experiences and, at the same time, honor and understand the feelings and experiences of others.
The art of human-BEing, bringing your presence instead of your perfection, is the focus of our MMS Transformational Coach Certification Training: https://www.shoshin-coaching.com/mms-coach-certification-training.
Follow us to learn more about the art of human-BEing which includes eliminating negative self-talk, keeping promises, setting goals, evaluating limiting beliefs, uncovering triggers, creating a healthy lifestyle, identifying perfectionism tendencies, creating healthy boundaries, etc. so you can live life as your favorite version of yourself!
